He's BAAAaaaack...

I can't design clothing. I can't sew. I can't sketch, or even visualize myself in new clothing until I've tried it on. I have very few talents and the ones I have are pretty common:

- Cooking

- Cleaning (I'm legitimately into

perfecting sanitization processes


- Coming up with brain-altering hashtags for my Instagram photos

Thus, it's neither fair nor kind of me to criticize someone else's craft, but "fashion" "designer" "Jeremy" "Scott" has pushed me over the edge with his new collection this season.

Scott, known for his

elegant taste


ethereal musings

 has a new collection that looks like it was designed for the wait staff at that defunct tourist trap Martian Bar in Times Square. I think he was going for more of an 80's-does-50's camp feel a la

Mars Attacks

, with re-re-re-hashed

Trash & Vaudeville

patent-leather-zippered throwbacks, but that sounds way cooler than anything that hit the runway:

Spring/Summer '14 - Jeremy Scott Hates Women's Bodies, Evidence A, B, and C

This collection wasn't as offensive as past seasons, and I'd rock some of the one-piece maillots, but... 


I mean, it's CRAZY you guys. We are like battered wives. We're too scared to say it out loud because everyone's "friends" with him and he throws the best Coachella parties, but w

e don't need to live in fear anymore! 


There are others who feel the same way you do, who are trapped in a

Boom Boom Room

-sized pressure cooker filled with social climbers and fashion people just as desperate and full of shit as you are. Maybe if we all come out of the JS closet at once no one will notice, like bum-rushing a police barricade.

Let us not forget how he outdid himself with the S/S12 runway presentation, a veritable bounty of 

Cross Colors-meets-Pee-Wee's Playhouse couture

. I was so moved 

I wrote about it

. Here, I put together a Quick View of my three favorite looks:

Spring/Summer '12 - Those assless chaps shorts are sizzling on the scene

I know he's hustled for a decade to become a signature part of NYFW and I definitely respect the work ethic, but

 I've never seen anyone wear his clothing who I know doesn't get it for free. Maybe his

Adidas collaborations

offset the cost of production on his line, but I suspect he has a rich old benefactor in Paris who underwrites it all. If anyone knows, please holler at me in the comments or email me. On the bright side,

 he has a

cool website

and it doesn't look like he

ripped off any legendary skate brands

this season. 

I haven't seen any reviews yet so I'll look tomorrow and update you on the consensus, but in the meantime please share your thoughts in the comments.

UPDATE 9/12/13 9:30am PST:

As usual, critics are raving about him again, too scared to call a spade a spade. The

LA Times

just referenced Mars Attacks and says "

this collection combines the rebellious spirit of '50s-era youth with a future-past Space Age aesthetic to create a range of pieces perfect for the planet-hopping retro-rebel set." 

Really? Is it?